Music is the wine that fills the cup of silence.” ― Robert Fripp
Decided to lighten up today in the conversation about relationships. Last night I attended the Spokane Songwriter’s Open Mic. One of the ways I nurture myself is by listening to music and especially local musicians.
We all have our tribes, our people, those we feel most comfortable with. For me it has been my musician friends.
I’m delighted to share with you The Brad Keeler Trio; Brad Keeler, Jim Pittman and Linda Parman. The song Front Porch Swing was written by Brad Keeler.
“Well?” Ron said finally, looking up at Harry. “How was it?” Harry considered it for a moment. “Wet,” he said truthfully. Ron made a noise that might have indicated jubilation or disgust, it was hard to tell. “Because she was crying,” Harry continued heavily. “Oh,” said Ron, his smile faded slightly. “Are you that bad at kissing?” “Dunno,” said Harry, who hadn’t considered this, and immediately felt rather worried. “Maybe I am.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Disagree if you want, but this is NOT the way to date online!
I receive emails each week from men on Facebook. Now, that is okay with me since after four years of being single, I decided to date this year – remember, my word for 2014 is Relationships!
I’m not sure what would constitute an expert on relationships, but being a counselor for over 30 years gives me some credentials. Mostly though, I think what I am sharing is from past dating on dating sites and seeing what works and what doesn’t. This is gender focused, and I am fine with feedback. Leave your comments!
Men – the Don’ts
1. Don’t contact a woman on FB (or other social media) and leave three long paragraphs of how beautiful they look and what you would want to do with and to her, like hold her, take her dancing, etc.
2. Not the best idea to write a diatribe of what you do and who you are in the first or second email.
3. Sharing paragraphs of what you believe and what she should believe early on will turn her off!!
Men – the Do’s
1. When you contact a woman on Facebook, you may want to say “hi” and start with a comment about something she posted. This is an invitation to begin a dialogue and she sees that you have read her page (not just looked at her photo) She knows you are interested in her.
2. Share some things about yourself. Women are generally good at asking questions; so don’t overwhelm her with unsolicited sharing. Be aware of sharing too much too fast. Let the conversation unfold.
3. If you want to begin a conversation and a possible relationship, Facebook is not match.com. It can be too much for you both to disclose in the format of listing exactly what you want in a partner. You will rarely find all of it anyway, and not meeting all the criteria can stop the dialogue.
Women – Don’ts
1. This may seem odd to say, but believe me, I have seen this happen a lot! Don’t fall in love on the Internet! What people post whether it be photos or what they say may not be true. Have you ever watched the TV show Catfish!
2. Take some time to let the conversation unfold and see how the communication goes. You may not answer for a day or two (busy) and he may be fine with that or be reactive. Let his true personality come through.
3. Don’t give away too much information. Don’t give away money (I’ve seen it) or buy a plane ticket to see him or for him to see you. Be aware. Don’t be needy.
Women – Do’s
1. After a few emails, if you feel like you may want to get to know the person, ask him to Skype with you. This is better than the phone. You can hear his voice and see what he is doing. One of my clients did this and the man who she Skyped with was playing a game on his phone the whole time. NEXT. . . (A man who wrote paragraphs about my beauty last week contacted me. After checking out his FB page, I said “let’s Skype” and he disappeared!)
2. Trust your gut. Be aware and catch the first “hit” from your gut. Often in my counseling practice when a client is ending a relationship, I ask “when did you know this wasn’t right for you?” More often than not, they reply, the first day, week, etc.
3. We attract a partner who is at our same vibration. This can mean mental or emotional health. If you don’t feel like you have the self-esteem, confidence, or emotional health, work on yourself first. Whether you see a counselor, coach, healer, read a book, go to some kind of meetings, it doesn’t matter. Focus on, and heal yourself first. Then attract the man you deserve!
Well, I am hearing the word “harsh” in my head, but sometimes as a counselor, I think I have seen too much! Let’s finish with wishing you happy dating, and love ever after!
When I was taking classes in Meditation and Healing at the Church of the Divine Man many years ago, they taught about “matching” other people’s energy. An example is, if you are around someone who is angry, you may match him or her and become angry. When you are around someone peaceful, you can match him or her and become peaceful. I have been teaching this in my counseling practice for years and helped clients understand they can change how they feel by becoming aware and making choices.
I remember reading a study in one of my books (which I will find to update this blog) that had three plants. One plant was the control and the plant was watered without any variables. The second plant was watered with water where someone who was very happy and positive held the water for a period of time and the third plant was watered with water that was held for a period of time by someone who was clinically depressed. Of course, the result was the plant watered by the person who was happy grew the most; the control the second and the plant watered by the person who was depressed had stunted growth.
Physics has taught us that everything is energy, including humans, and it makes sense we affect each other in subtle and powerful ways. When I feel blue, a little grumpy, I will put on a CD by someone like Wayne Dyer to raise my mood, to shift my energy. Conversely, when I binge on music from my childhood, such as listening to Sunday Morning Coming Down, I have to pick myself up off the floor!
What inspired me to write this blog is I have been promoting a program called Habit of Attraction developed by Robert Evans. I have put it on FB, Twitter, Launchpad, sent emails and have become excited and energized about this. This morning I thought I may have gone overboard with promotion and sat to figure out what it is about this that “hooks” me.
I became acquainted with Robert when I was in the Next Top Spiritual Author contest. In that program I set up my free membership website, which has become a success for my book 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: The Gift of Pain. Later, I took his Habit of Attraction course and exceeded my financial goal for the year. Currently, I am in the Write Your Mini-book in 7 Days Course and plan to launch my Less is More: Slowing Down in an Over-stimulating World book before the end of the year.
What happens is I get energized and match his energy when I am in programs with him. I see that his working with others who also are spreading messages of love, light, and abundance also energizes him. In his programs, I have been honored to be on phone calls with people I admire like Neale Donald Walsh, the author of Conversations with God and with James Twyman who I admire for this work as a Peace Troubadour.
My focus in my work for years has been to empower others to access their Essence, to realize who they truly are and to manifest their dreams in their lives. This is the work I see Robert Evans doing and I am focused, energized, and motivated by his work. That’s my answer. That is why I am doing this promotion. Now, if you wonder, yes, I have connected with him in an affiliate program. This is one way I can stay connected to this powerful, manifesting energy.
Please take some time to think about who energizes you.
Who helps you become your better Self. Who leads the way and makes it easier for you to excel and manifest your dreams. Think about who it is that drains your energy and leaves you feeling bad about yourself. Sometimes we can’t change who we are around, but we can use those who are motivating and inspiring to bring us back into balance.
Have you ever
listened to a friend and thought “Can she even hear herself?” We all have
patterns of communication, and behavior for that matter, we don’t
notice.
I remember one
day my daughter said to me, “Mom, you’ve said that before, several times.” Many
of you know when I was 14 years old I had an accident that resulted in a Near
Death Experience with head injuries. As a result of this I have experienced some
memory problems. Another result of this trauma was I lost my sense of smell,
which also influences memory. A positive from the accident is a definite
increase in my intuition. When my brain was injured, my intuitive self took over
and now much of how I access information is intuitively.
Unless we
continually challenge our brain, we can develop memory lapses. Since my
daughter’s comment, I have been working on being aware and not repeating myself.
Repeating can happen for reasons other than memory problems and brain injury. When one has a
history of not being heard, not being listened to by others, they can develop a
pattern of repeating. Saying the same thing over and over again can also come
from a lack of self-awareness. It can also be an ineffective way of trying to
heal an emotional wound. You may say the same thing over and over but nothing
changes. It would be more effective to change your behavior by accepting a
situation or changing your relationship with the problem; forgiving, leaving,
setting boundaries and such. Saying the same thing over and over can also be a
sign of ADD.
Have you ever
had a conversation with a friend, loved one or a co-worker who often repeated
the same thing and didn’t focus. Someone with whom you tried to create a plan,
but politely getting them to pay attention, listen and commit to a time was near
impossible? Instead they just kept telling you all the situations that went on
in their day and you were not able to set a meeting.
So, how to do
you communicate with friends, loved ones and co-workers that are ADD or have
ADD
symptoms?
Listed here are
some of the Inattentive Symptoms of ADD; not the Hyperactive Symptoms. This may
help you to identify why you’ve had some difficulty communicating with someone.
It can clarify why you may have felt frustrated and hopefully will give you some
helpful communication solutions for yourself.
Inattentive
ADD Symptoms
Careless
mistakes/lack of attention to details
Lack of
sustained attention
Poor
listener
Failure to
follow through on tasks
Poor
organization
Forgetful in
daily activities
Avoiding tasks
requiring sustained mental effort
Losing
things
Easily
distracted
Depending upon
how close you are to this person, you may want to research more about ADD and
continue to learn.
Here are some simple ideas that may help.
Use emails as
your primary form of communication to set up meetings. This way you can scan the
email quickly for the details about the meeting.
Start your
conversation with, “I have one minute to plan this meeting.”
When the
person becomes tangential, politely bring them back to topic. “Oh, I’m sorry, I
have to go, when did you say you could meet?”
Give the
person 3 clear choices of times.
Be willing to
set a boundary.
If the person
won’t be decisive, realize the meeting may not happen and move on.
Plan your
communication with the person when you have enough time to go through the
process to get the meeting planned.
Have a plan B
for your time so if their disorganization creates a last minute cancelation, it
won’t disrupt your life.
These are some
ideas that may be helpful. Again, if this is someone you live with or a
supervisor, I encourage you to find more information on this topic. One book you
may be interested in What Does
Everybody Else Know That I Don’t?: Social Skills Help for Adults with Attention
Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder by Michele Novotni, PhD
candesscampbell 