OMG Dating!

 

 

“Well?” Ron said finally, looking up at Harry. “How was it?”
Harry considered it for a moment. “Wet,” he said truthfully.
Ron made a noise that might have indicated jubilation or disgust, it was hard to tell.
“Because she was crying,” Harry continued heavily.
“Oh,” said Ron, his smile faded slightly. “Are you that bad at kissing?”
“Dunno,” said Harry, who hadn’t considered this, and immediately felt rather worried. “Maybe I am.” 
― J.K. RowlingHarry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

 

Disagree if you want, but this is NOT the way to date online!

I receive emails each week from men on Facebook. Now, that is okay with me since after four years of being single, I decided to date this year – remember, my word for 2014 is Relationships!

I’m not sure what would constitute an expert on relationships, but being a counselor for over 30 years gives me some credentials. Mostly though, I think what I am sharing is from past dating on dating sites and seeing what works and what doesn’t.  This is gender focused, and I am fine with feedback. Leave your comments!

Men – the Don’ts

1. Don’t contact a woman on FB (or other social media) and leave three long paragraphs of how beautiful they look and what you would want to do with and to her, like hold her, take her dancing, etc.

2. Not the best idea to write a diatribe of what you do and who you are in the first or second email.

3. Sharing paragraphs of what you believe and what she should believe early on will turn her off!!

Men – the Do’s

1. When you contact a woman on Facebook, you may want to say “hi” and start with a comment about something she posted. This is an invitation to begin a dialogue and she sees that you have read her page (not just looked at her photo) She knows you are interested in her.

2. Share some things about yourself.  Women are generally good at asking questions; so don’t overwhelm her with unsolicited sharing. Be aware of sharing too much too fast. Let the conversation unfold.

3. If you want to begin a conversation and a possible relationship, Facebook is not match.com. It can be too much for you both to disclose in the format of listing exactly what you want in a partner. You will rarely find all of it anyway, and not meeting all the criteria can stop the dialogue.

Women – Don’ts

1. This may seem odd to say, but believe me, I have seen this happen a lot! Don’t fall in love on the Internet! What people post whether it be photos or what they say may not be true. Have you ever watched the TV show Catfish!

2. Take some time to let the conversation unfold and see how the communication goes. You may not answer for a day or two (busy) and he may be fine with that or be reactive. Let his true personality come through.

3. Don’t give away too much information. Don’t give away money (I’ve seen it) or buy a plane ticket to see him or for him to see you. Be aware. Don’t be needy.

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Women – Do’s

1. After a few emails, if you feel like you may want to get to know the person, ask him to Skype with you. This is better than the phone. You can hear his voice and see what he is doing. One of my clients did this and the man who she Skyped with was playing a game on his phone the whole time. NEXT. . .  (A man who wrote paragraphs about my beauty last week contacted me. After checking out his FB page, I said “let’s Skype” and he disappeared!)

2. Trust your gut. Be aware and catch the first “hit” from your gut. Often in my counseling practice when a client is ending a relationship, I ask “when did you know this wasn’t right for you?” More often than not, they reply, the first day, week, etc.

3. We attract a partner who is at our same vibration. This can mean mental or emotional health. If you don’t feel like you have the self-esteem, confidence, or emotional health, work on yourself first. Whether you see a counselor, coach, healer, read a book, go to some kind of meetings, it doesn’t matter. Focus on, and heal yourself first. Then attract the man you deserve!

Well, I am hearing the word “harsh” in my head, but sometimes as a counselor, I think I have seen too much!  Let’s finish with wishing you happy dating, and love ever after!

What do you think?

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Clearing the Past

“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.” 
 J.K. RowlingHarry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix  

Much of what I have taught over the years has been about manifesting and creating the life you want. In order to do this, often you have to bring the past into present time to heal. What I mean by this is that when you focus on the past and live in the past, your life is controlled by what you felt and thought in the past. What happens is you continue to feel those feelings in the present.  Living in the past leaves no room for what you are experiencing in the present. Living in the past, having your thoughts and feelings consumed by the past, can also control your future. Your past becomes your future.

Living in the past can create depression. 

Living in the future can create anxiety.

2010-06-27 18 27 01When I talk about healing the past, what I hear most is “how do I do that?” Well, there are many modalities for healing the past. One that I teach is to become aware of the memories and the wounds.  Feel them and change your beliefs around them. Your feelings are a result of your beliefs. Often your beliefs flitter so quickly in your mind, you have difficulty noticing them, grabbing them and examining them.

The ones you can identify is where to start. In your journal, write out a list of people and situations where you have been hurt or angry. Allow yourself to feel your feelings as you remember. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.

Look at where you may have contributed to the situation. Take inventory of your own actions. You can use the successful process from the Big Book of AA.  When taking inventory, write out where you were selfish, self-centered, frightened, or to blame.

Now, you may not have had any responsibility in the situation, especially if you were a child. In that case, look at what was going on in the other person’s life at the time.

People do the best they can at the time. Sometimes their best is destructive and hurtful to others, but it still is the best they can do with the awareness, teachings and the consciousness they have at the time. Are there some things you would like to do that you don’t do? Are there things you do that you wish you didn’t? Have you behaved in the past in ways you would not behave today because you know better? No one is perfect.

Anger is a secondary emotion that covers up pain or fear.

You may have had desires, demands or expectations of someone. Then you find they didn’t either give you what you wanted or they behaved in ways that hurt you.

If this is so and is in the past, in order to heal yourself and move on, you can forgive them. If it is a present situation, then you can make choices on how you choose to handle the situation. If choose to continue to stay in a destructive situation, it is your choice. The responsibility then becomes yours. You cannot blame the other person when you choose to stay. What happens when you blame someone else is, they then have the power to change the situation and you become a victim. When you take responsibility for your choices, you remain empowered and in control of your life.

If you still have a lot of pain or anger about the situation, write out what happened to you. You can write it over and over until the “sting” or “charge” is gone. You may want to read it over and over to a safe, loved one until it is no longer controlling you. You can forgive and move on. This does not mean you agree with what happened, it just means it no longer controls you.

Only you have the ability to clear your past and live fully in present time, thus giving you the power to create the life you want to live.

Clearing frees you to live in present time.