OMG Dating!

 

 

“Well?” Ron said finally, looking up at Harry. “How was it?”
Harry considered it for a moment. “Wet,” he said truthfully.
Ron made a noise that might have indicated jubilation or disgust, it was hard to tell.
“Because she was crying,” Harry continued heavily.
“Oh,” said Ron, his smile faded slightly. “Are you that bad at kissing?”
“Dunno,” said Harry, who hadn’t considered this, and immediately felt rather worried. “Maybe I am.” 
― J.K. RowlingHarry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

 

Disagree if you want, but this is NOT the way to date online!

I receive emails each week from men on Facebook. Now, that is okay with me since after four years of being single, I decided to date this year – remember, my word for 2014 is Relationships!

I’m not sure what would constitute an expert on relationships, but being a counselor for over 30 years gives me some credentials. Mostly though, I think what I am sharing is from past dating on dating sites and seeing what works and what doesn’t.  This is gender focused, and I am fine with feedback. Leave your comments!

Men – the Don’ts

1. Don’t contact a woman on FB (or other social media) and leave three long paragraphs of how beautiful they look and what you would want to do with and to her, like hold her, take her dancing, etc.

2. Not the best idea to write a diatribe of what you do and who you are in the first or second email.

3. Sharing paragraphs of what you believe and what she should believe early on will turn her off!!

Men – the Do’s

1. When you contact a woman on Facebook, you may want to say “hi” and start with a comment about something she posted. This is an invitation to begin a dialogue and she sees that you have read her page (not just looked at her photo) She knows you are interested in her.

2. Share some things about yourself.  Women are generally good at asking questions; so don’t overwhelm her with unsolicited sharing. Be aware of sharing too much too fast. Let the conversation unfold.

3. If you want to begin a conversation and a possible relationship, Facebook is not match.com. It can be too much for you both to disclose in the format of listing exactly what you want in a partner. You will rarely find all of it anyway, and not meeting all the criteria can stop the dialogue.

Women – Don’ts

1. This may seem odd to say, but believe me, I have seen this happen a lot! Don’t fall in love on the Internet! What people post whether it be photos or what they say may not be true. Have you ever watched the TV show Catfish!

2. Take some time to let the conversation unfold and see how the communication goes. You may not answer for a day or two (busy) and he may be fine with that or be reactive. Let his true personality come through.

3. Don’t give away too much information. Don’t give away money (I’ve seen it) or buy a plane ticket to see him or for him to see you. Be aware. Don’t be needy.

Screen Shot 2014-01-22 at 5.05.39 PM

Women – Do’s

1. After a few emails, if you feel like you may want to get to know the person, ask him to Skype with you. This is better than the phone. You can hear his voice and see what he is doing. One of my clients did this and the man who she Skyped with was playing a game on his phone the whole time. NEXT. . .  (A man who wrote paragraphs about my beauty last week contacted me. After checking out his FB page, I said “let’s Skype” and he disappeared!)

2. Trust your gut. Be aware and catch the first “hit” from your gut. Often in my counseling practice when a client is ending a relationship, I ask “when did you know this wasn’t right for you?” More often than not, they reply, the first day, week, etc.

3. We attract a partner who is at our same vibration. This can mean mental or emotional health. If you don’t feel like you have the self-esteem, confidence, or emotional health, work on yourself first. Whether you see a counselor, coach, healer, read a book, go to some kind of meetings, it doesn’t matter. Focus on, and heal yourself first. Then attract the man you deserve!

Well, I am hearing the word “harsh” in my head, but sometimes as a counselor, I think I have seen too much!  Let’s finish with wishing you happy dating, and love ever after!

What do you think?


Listen before it’s too Late!

 

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
― Stephen R. CoveyThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

 

It is an enlightening view, sitting in my chair in my office as a mental health counselor. I am honored to sit with clients as they share about their lives and their relationships and I see themes unfold.

We have ended the year and are into the New Year.  As I look ahead at new beginnings, it reminds me of one of the most common themes. When working with couples, I notice that, for most, by the time they enter my office, it’s too late.

couples

Too often one of them attempted continually to communicate with the other, without being heard. Sadly, I watch their last attempt to keep the marriage together. The partner, let’s say the man, who has not really heard, but has listened as if she was nagging or on a rampage over something, finally understands. It is too late now for him to realize that what she was saying was important. So important, that the marriage is now over. I see him groveling and trying to make sense of it all. In the safety of another person (me) she says, “I’m sorry, but it is just too late.”

Many of us have ended relationships before the New Year. I remember myself, many years ago, sitting outside Nordstroms, having coffee with my lover on December 29th. I said, “I am sorry, but it’s over.” This was difficult to say and it was painful. I had felt though, that what I said over and over, didn’t matter and I was “pushing the river,” in order to create a change for us. It didn’t work. Once I was honest and ended the relationship; although painful, it was also exhilarating.

When I am with clients and they are suffering over a relationship, I often ask, “when did you first know this was not the right situation for you?” More than I would like to hear, they say, “in the beginning.” If not, they knew years before they decided to make a change.

Whether it be a love relationship, a work relationship or a family situation, “when you begin to lose your voice, your self-esteem, your sense of personal power; it is time to make some kind of a shift.”


Interview with Mary Getten

With the holidays coming we are not the only ones who are stressed. Learn from Mary Getten, an animal communicator.

Mary, I am so happy to do this interview with you. I remember many years ago talking to you about my miniature poodle, Friday. As an animal communicator, you gave me so much information about him. I was so excited I signed up and took your class!

Mary, what is an Animal Communicator?

Mary: An animal communicator is someone who is able to telepathically communicate with your animal. In this mode, we connect energetically mind-to-mind or heart-to-heart with the animal and act as a link between you and your pet, so in essence, we have a three-way conversation. Some communicators do this in person, but most of us work at a distance on the telephone. Animal communicators might get mental pictures, hear words, get emotional or physical feelings, an intuitive sense of knowing, or all of these during a consultation. This is an innate ability that we are all born with but have been socialized out of using. With a little training and a lot of practice, anyone can regain this skill to communicate with all life.

What issues might arise that contacting you or another animal communicator would be helpful?

Mary: I work with people who are having behavior issues like barking, fighting, soiling in the house, fear, anxiety – anything that you would like to change. I have many calls about health issues, if the animal has pain, why it’s not eating, and sometimes for insight when the vet can’t figure out what’s wrong. I deal with questions about death and dying, upcoming changes in the household, to find out if the animal would like another animal friend, or just to check-in and see if there is anything the pet needs or wants. It is my job to understand what is going on from the animal’s perspective and then work with the person to see how they can resolve any issues. Sometimes it involves negotiation and problem solving, but it always creates more harmony and understanding in their relationship.

How might we better communicate with our pets?

Mary: When you speak to your animal, always talk about what you DO want, never about what you don’t want. Animals are reading the mental pictures we unconsciously create when we speak, so if we talk about what we don’t want, we are picturing the unwanted behavior. Speak slowly and hold a mental picture of what you DO want, and your animal will understand – encourage them to chew on their toys instead of telling them to not chew on the drapes.

I have a Cairn terrier mix named Domingo. I know he stresses easily, especially around the holidays when there is fireworks. What do you suggest we do for our pets to help them deal with the stress of the holidays?

Mary: If you know that your animal gets stressed during holidays, it’s important to think ahead and come up with a plan. I highly recommend doing emotional release techniques such as EFT or the Emotion Code for any issues that you already know about. This will help to release the emotions permanently. You might also give your pet flower essences that address their specific issues (fear, shyness, etc) or Rescue Remedy for general calming. It is also very important that you explain what will be happening over the holiday (strangers in the house, loud noises, etc.) and reassure your animal that they will be happy and safe during this time. Show them a mental video of what to expect and be sure to show them happy and calm in the video. And above all else, keep yourself calm and your animal will follow suit.

When I was in Hawaii in 2008, I swam in the middle of the ocean with about 40 spinner dolphins. It was the most incredible experience I have had in my life! Do you do any workshops with dolphins?

Mary: I LOVE dolphins and every year I take a lucky group of people to swim with wild dolphins in the Bahamas. My next trip is May 13-19, 2012. All the details are on my website at http://www.rockisland.com/~mg/pages/dolphin.html. I also co-created a computer based training DVD called Whale Communicators, that is more than 5 hours of instruction about whales and dolphins, animal communication and how to connect with these amazing beings. You can find out more and order it at http://whalecommunicators.com/dvd.html.

What classes do you have available and what would one expect to learn in your class?

Mary: In my animal communication classes, you will learn how to open your receivers so that you can hear/see/feel what animals are communicating. I also teach classes to connect telepathically and communicate with nature. I offer a one-day workshop on Animal Death and Spirituality where we explore animals’ views on death and connect with our pets in the spirit realm. I also teach a workshop on using Flower Essences with animals. There is information about hosting a workshop in your area at the end of the workshop page on my website.

For all of us that are animal lovers, you offer so much. Thank you so much for this interview.

You can find out more information about Mary Getten and her workshops, trips and services at: http://www.MaryGetten.com